All My Bags Are Packed

I’m ready to go. (Don’t you love my stay-away-from-the-computer self discipline?)

Stalkers, Roz and I are taking Amtrak to a town east of here, then spending the night with Neenaw, then leaving tomorrow morning with Neenaw and Mom to go to Melanie’s. We’ll probably stop in a town to eat lunch. Aw yeah.

“I’m wearin’ my Tuesdy panties, but you probably already knew that.”

“Quick! Say something funny!”

“You’re driving off the readers in droves! It’s too deep! IT’S TOO MUCH!!!”

*Major gear change*

Have you ever watched the cartoon Caillou and thought to yourself, “Gosh, I wish that grandmother narrator would choke on her butterscotch - or at least say something really horrible”?

Because I have.

“It made Caillou sad that Grandpa used the wrong fork at dinner. Caillou wondered why he was cursed with such an idiot for a grandfather and thought about spiking his brownies with horse laxative. Then he remembered he was four years old and couldn’t really drive himself to the vet’s office.”

“Caillou was happy about his new red balloon until it finally hit him: ‘What in the heck kinda girlified name is Caillou, anyway?’”

“Caillou loved his new imaginary friend, Evil Leprechaun. Evil Leprechaun told him very interesting things, like what a great rack Caillou’s mother had, and suggested great ideas for play, like ‘find the matches and rub them on rough surfaces.’ After that unfortunate kitchen fire incident, Caillou spent the next several years in therapy.”

“Caillou wondered why he was bald. He figured the cartoonist had Charlie Brown-envy. Then he saw his mother get out the Nair shampoo for his bath…”

OK, I’m going to try, really really hard, to stay away from the computer until I leave tomorrow afternoon. I’m not saying I’ll do it. I’m just saying, I’m trying hard. I want to catch up the laundry and do some other stuff and pack before Rosalind and I take off tomorrow afternoon. So… I might see you in a couple of days at Melanie’s, or… (sigh)… I might see you tomorrow.

Hypothetically Speaking / Your Family’s Ecological Footprint

Hypothetically Speaking:The Jehovah’s Witnesses have just built a new temple for the purpose of performing proxy baptism for their dead.

They consecrate decades of their time and millions of their dollars, compiling huge amounts of family history information; their membership increases and their temples begin to “dot the earth.”

You find a family tree online and find out that the person who put it together is your distant cousin AND a Jehovah’s Witness. You find that you have ancestors, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins in common.

Would you have a problem with this person taking YOUR family names to a Jehovah’s Witness temple, and performing “saving ordinances” for YOUR ancestors, even your parents or grandparents?

Perhaps this isn’t a fair question - we Mormons believe that the soul is eternal, that we are individual, free-thinking offspring of God, that our personalities and spirits were formed long ago and that we will remain the same free-thinking people we are now even after death - but, stepping away from that belief, how would you feel?

How would it be, as a Mormon, to view the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ website showing that your ancestors were in the “we did Jehovah’s Witness-type temple rituals for these people” file?

Please discuss.

Your Family’s Ecological Footprint: I read a great article about “large families” (as in, more than two kids) and loved this comment:

Biggest mistake my wife and I ever made was buying into the ego driven crap of the 60’s. Fortunately we had twins so at least we have two kids who have returned more to us than any monetary value. I wish we had 6 kids now that I am 61 years old. I just smile when I see a family with three or more kids because I know the incredible joy that family has in store for them. It is sad that my wife and I limited that joy in our lives because of a selfish misunderstanding of what is important in life. Oh, and dont sweat the financial stuff, believe me it all works out. I dont know how, but it does.

And this one, about those of us who are “killing the earth” with our big families:

Hug that environmental virtue close when you get old and infirm and alone.

I wanted to shout “AMEN” at this… have these zero-populationists ever been to Montana?:

By the way, you can put all 6.5 billion people on this earth in Texas and they would each have 1152 square feet of space, just to give you a little perspective on the true size of the planet and what space we really take up. We may need to become more efficient at reutilizing resources, but we are not doomed by having a baby.

How’s Your Sunday Going? Mad Lib Results

To my dear friends who played along: YOU’RE AWESOME!!! Thanks!!

Dear Millie,

I want to express to you what an absolutely ___________ (adjective) Sunday I am having. The ________ (noun) is shining, the ______________ (animal, plural) are ____________ (verb ending in ING) and the smell of ________________ (plural noun) is in the air.

At church today I learned about _____________ (spiritual topic) and was inspired by a quote from ____________ (deceased person) who said, “It’s not the _____________ (noun) in your ___________ (container) - it’s the ______________ (plural noun) in your _______________ (kind of fruit). I think the wisdom of this __________ (adjective) advice is obvious and I feel more ___________ (adjective) than ever to incorporate it into my ______________ (adjective) life.

For dinner, I’m making ____________ (animal) chops and fried _______________ (vegetable), with a lovely chocolate _______________ (silly word) for dessert. The ________________ (someone you see at church) is coming by later to share a thought from _________________ (a book title) and I am interested to hear his/her insights.

Millie, I hope your Sunday is filled with ____________ (plural noun), ___________ (plural noun) and ____________ (adjective) goodness.

Your friend,
(Your favorite alias, nonsense name, or celebrity)

Suzanne said…
Dear Millie,

I want to express to you what an absolutely odd Sunday I am having. The clock is shining, the kittens are swimming and the smell of dresses is in the air.

At church today I learned about plural marriage and was inspired by a quote from Abraham Lincoln who said, “It’s not the Washington, D.C. in your mug - it’s the stockings in your strawberry.” I think the wisdom of this sticky advice is obvious and I feel more red than ever to incorporate it into my sensitive life.

For dinner, I’m making wildebeest chops and fried tomatoes, with a lovely chocolate wahoo for dessert. The ward librarian is coming by later to share a thought from War & Peace and I am interested to hear her insights.

Millie, I hope your Sunday is filled with hands, couches, and silly goodness.

Your friend,
Tom Cruise

Glittersmama said…
Dear Millie,

I want to express to you what an absolutely sassy Sunday I am having. The footstool is shining, the foxes are dancing and the smell of wagons is in the air.

At church today I learned about faith and was inspired by a quote from Chris Farley who said, “It’s not the skateboard in your dumpster - it’s the ladders in your watermelon.” I think the wisdom of this squishy advice is obvious and I feel more stinky than ever to incorporate it into my soft life.

For dinner, I’m making elephant chops and fried carrots, with a lovely chocolate ooga booga for dessert. The nun is coming by later to share a thought from Into the Wild and I am interested to hear her insights.

Millie, I hope your Sunday is filled with rugs, toothbrushes, and morose goodness.

Your friend,
Jane Doe

ThornyTreeLady said…
Dear Millie,

I want to express to you what an absolutely gangrenous Sunday I am having. The wheel-less pinewood derby car is shining, the undomesticated equines are nose-picking and the smell of upset Catholic geneologists is in the air.

At church today I learned about baptism and was inspired by a quote from Shel Silverstein who said, “It’s not the pathetically over-hyped Apple iMac in your jelly jar - it’s the ComicCon attendees in your banana.” I think the wisdom of this uneducated advice is obvious and I feel more underused than ever to incorporate it into my unrehearsed life.

For dinner, I’m making liger chops and fried rutabaga, with a lovely chocolate shakka-lakka for dessert. The ward librarian is coming by later to share a thought from Where The Sidewalk Ends and I am interested to hear her insights.

Millie, I hope your Sunday is filled with Rice Krispy Treats, dirty dishes, and stunning goodness.

Your friend,
Hannah Montana

Klin said…
Dear Millie,

I want to express to you what an absolutely gnarly Sunday I am having. The tree branch is shining, the cats are fasting and the smell of DVDs is in the air.

At church today I learned about faith and was inspired by a quote from Elvis who said, “It’s not the fireplace in your laundry basket - it’s the bookshelves in your mango.” I think the wisdom of this ridiculous advice is obvious and I feel more grey than ever to incorporate it into my bumpy life.

For dinner, I’m making Snuffleupagus chops and fried parsnips, with a lovely chocolate supercalafragilisticexpialadocious for dessert. Aunt Judy is coming by later to share a thought from Twilight and I am interested to hear her insights.

Millie, I hope your Sunday is filled with speakers, weeds, and massive goodness.

Your friend,
Jacob Black

Tori said…
Dear Millie,

I want to express to you what an absolutely pokey Sunday I am having. The number is shining, the lemurs are cussing and the smell of shells is in the air.

At church today I learned about belief and was inspired by a quote from Frank Sinatra who said, “It’s not the bone in your shot glass - it’s the wires in your tomato.” I think the wisdom of this hairless advice is obvious and I feel more smooth than ever to incorporate it into my gritty life.

For dinner, I’m making lizard chops and fried carrots, with a lovely chocolate moot for dessert. A choir singer is coming by later to share a thought from Growing Up Brady and I am interested to hear her insights.

Millie, I hope your Sunday is filled with carpet fibers, giraffe neck, and crispy goodness.

Your friend,
John Doe

Harry Para Leggs said…
Dear Millie,

I want to express to you what an absolutely shorts-worshipping Sunday I am having. The crabby old man is shining, the ligers are salivating and the smell of mindless nimrods is in the air.

At church today I learned about how many times you can pierce yourself and where and was inspired by a quote from my Aunt Shirley who said, “It’s not the RuPaul impersonator in your toilet tank - it’s the Bourne movies in your pomegranate.” I think the wisdom of this covert armpit sniffing advice is obvious and I feel more toe-disfiguring than ever to incorporate it into my compulsive liar-believing life.

For dinner, I’m making yak chops and fried jicama, with a lovely chocolate nodge nodge for dessert. The ugly guy on the back pew is coming by later to share a thought from Air Compressors and You and I am interested to hear his insights.

Millie, I hope your Sunday is filled with peach skins, Scottish sportscasters, and smeared with goo goodness.

Your friend,
Elsworth Raymond Bathrick

Coconut Kate said…
Dear Millie,

I want to express to you what an absolutely boxy Sunday I am having. The golf ball is shining, the gophers are strumming and the smell of newsletters is in the air.

At church today I learned about the priesthood and was inspired by a quote from Gerald Ford who said, “It’s not the scissors in the five-gallon bucket - it’s the moose in your kiwi.” I think the wisdom of this white advice is obvious and I feel more scruffy than ever to incorporate it into my huge life.

For dinner, I’m making goat chops and fried asparagus, with a lovely chocolate schmooz for dessert. Sister Kaaloa is coming by later to share a thought from Persuasion and I am interested to hear her insights.

Millie, I hope your Sunday is filled with envelopes, tires, and snoopy goodness.

Your friend,
Punky Brewster

Elasticwaistband Lady said…
Dear Millie,

I want to express to you what an absolutely fuschia fur Sunday I am having. The saggy boob is shining, the crusty crustaceans are shimmying and the smell of knee scabs is in the air.

At church today I learned about “can you play Led Zeppelin at a church funeral?” and was inspired by a quote from Robert “I Didn’t Mean To Turn You On” Palmer who said, “It’s not the hot dog vendor in your rusty dog kennel - it’s the Anne Murray’s Greatest Hits in your bloodless blood orange.” I think the wisdom of this back-breaking advice is obvious and I feel more hip-thrusting than ever to incorporate it into my crematorial urn-dusting life.

For dinner, I’m making lazy-eyed anteater chops and fried radioactive rhubarb, with a lovely chocolate snafu for dessert. Prayer draft-dodgers hiding outside are coming by later to share a thought from Converting Your Flatulence Gas Into A Renewable Fuel and I am interested to hear their insights.

Millie, I hope your Sunday is filled with hairy butter sticks, man panties, and juiciest of the juicy goodness.

Your friend,
Dick Van Dyke

Heffalump said…
Dear Millie,

I want to express to you what an absolutely gargantuan Sunday I am having. The outhouse is shining, the chimpanzees are twirling and the smell of batons is in the air.

At church today I learned about genealogy and was inspired by a quote from Great Aunt Sadie who said, “It’s not the garden in your one-gallon Tupperware pitcher - it’s the fruit flies in your strawberry.” I think the wisdom of this red advice is obvious and I feel more yellow than ever to incorporate it into my blue life.

For dinner, I’m making giant earthworm chops and fried brussels sprouts, with a lovely chocolate farfegnugan for dessert. Judy the Baby-Stealer is coming by later to share a thought from Queste and I am interested to hear her insights.

Millie, I hope your Sunday is filled with nose hair trimmers, nostrils, and feverish goodness.

Your friend,
Smackwater Jack

Rebecca said…
Dear Millie,

I want to express to you what an absolutely shimmery Sunday I am having. The rubber band is shining, the anteaters are smoking and the smell of mountains is in the air.

At church today I learned about faith and was inspired by a quote from Abraham Lincoln who said, “It’s not the fruit tree in your flowerpot - it’s the elephants in your kiwifruit.” I think the wisdom of this bluish advice is obvious and I feel more sore than ever to incorporate it into my glowing life.

For dinner, I’m making potbellied pig chops and fried celery, with a lovely chocolate snafu for dessert. Silly Hat Lady is coming by later to share a thought from Anne of Avonlea and I am interested to hear her insights.

Millie, I hope your Sunday is filled with books, hedgehogs, and slimy goodness.

Your friend,
Patrick Stewart

It’s Sunday - time to play a Mad Lib

But First: Oh, those wacky Catholics, they’re at it again. I’d be upset if I were a Catholic genealogist. My favorite comment:

The Catholics DO baptise the dead–I drove by their cemetery and noticed they had their sprinklers on.

MAD LIBS:
Come on, it’ll be fun. I made this one up by myself. Here’s what I need:

adjective
noun
animal, plural
verb ending in ING
plural noun
spiritual topic
deceased person
noun
container
plural noun
fruit
adjective
adjective
adjective
animal
vegetable
silly word
someone you see at church
title of a book
plural noun
plural noun
adjective
an alias, nonsense name, or celebrity’s name

If you can’t remember your parts of speech, click here. Be sure to copy and past the list! Answers will go up Tuesday morning.

Brigham Young: The Quotey Prophet

My friend Michelle B. is the person responsible for the previous post.  She FORCED me to post it.  Isn’t that right, Michelle?  :)  If you’re going to pass judgment (heh-heh, I said “pass”), pass it on her, not me. 

While we were watching it yesterday, we wondered how we’d feel if someone took a session of General Conference and did the same thing.  We decided it would be pretty boring, since our guys don’t shout or yell or dance around or gesticulate or raise their eyebrows or rant about beans and rice.

Although, I have a feeling more people would stay awake during Conference if they did.

OK, now for the Brigham Young quote.  Let me preface it by saying that last night, I went to an excellent Enrichment activity (women’s church activity) about container gardening.  I love plants because, rather like books and dead people, they require a minimum of care and don’t make noise, make messes, or smell bad (usually).   They don’t sniff your “sensitive areas” or pee on things that you don’t want peed on, and they can’t gossip about you.  So I was quite happy to attend this meeting and find out more about this subject. 

The bonus was that they served dirt pudding cups with gummy worms, and Hanne D. talked about raising chickens and worms.  I thought only people like Gran (my grandfather) and Lloyd and Harry (Dumb and Dumber) raised worms - “We Got Worms” - so it was a delightful tidbit to learn about Hanne, who is always dressed beautifully with never a hair out of place.  And y’all know how I feel about chickens.  They are the one exception I would make to my “mess, smell, and noise” rule.

OK, but yeah, this was supposed to be about Brigham Young and his quoteable quotes.  On the bottom of the handout we received last night, there was a great Brigham Young quote:

Cultivate the earth and cultivate your minds.  Adorn your habitations, make gardens, orchards, and vineyards, and render the earth so pleasant that when you look upon your labors you may do so with pleasure, and that angels may delight to come and visit your beautiful locations.

This made me want to go home and clean out my refrigerator (my most hated chore - Bri usually does it).  That’s how inspired I was by President Young’s remarks.  I’d love to have angels delight to visit my beautiful location, instead of have them think, eww.  Not HER house.  Wouldn’t that be sweet?  Can you FEEL me???

More Brigham Young quotes:

We want men to rule the nation who care more for and love better the nation’s welfare than gold and silver, fame or popularity.

True independence and freedom can only exist in doing what’s right.

A good man, is a good man, whether in this church, or out of it.

If I had a choice of educating my daughters or my sons because of opportunity constraints, I would choose to educate my daughters.

We have more friends behind the veil than on this side, and they will hail us more joyfully than you were ever welcomed by your parents and friends in this world; and you will rejoice more when you meet them than you ever rejoiced to see a friend in this life…

What Nice Mormon Ladies Laugh At

Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

Things You Should Never Do

~ Say to a chubby girl, “It’s chubby-girl cold out here today.”

~ Take your dog for a walk in the cemetery and leave the leash at home.

~ Go to Cub Scout Day Camp and forget the suncreen, the hand sanitizer, or the Band-Aids.

~ Ask nosy questions or gossip (except to your husband, who doesn’t care).

~ Let anyone - i.e., the gossip topic - find out you asked nosy questions and gossiped.

~ Say, “Is that funeral home humor?” when a funeral home employee cracks an innocent joke.  (They feel really bad when you do this.)

~ Eat things made out of honey when you know you’re allergic to honey and don’t like being itchy.

~ Cut your own hair in a fit of despondency or extreme giddiness, or because you looked at someone’s hair and thought, “Good grief, I could do that.”

~ Dry dust.

~ Stop kissing, hugging, or tickling the child just because he’s fifteen. 

~ Grab strange men’s butts at the mall.

~ Go without a bra if you’re well-endowed (and by “well-endowed” I mean “lop those things off, you’d be fifty pounds lighter”)

~ Stop laughing.

What sage advice do you have for the rest of us?

Heading to Montana Soon

Melanie’s graduating from college next month and my whole family (minus BC & Tawnee) will be heading over to the beautiful state of Montana to celebrate with her.

As plans are made and I become aware of potentially tense (if not lethal) situations, I find it necessary to break out my Guide to Surviving Family Holidays.

With events such as Mother’s and Father’s Days, Memorial Day, high school and college graduations, the wedding season, and summer vacations coming up soon, I thought we might all benefit from a refresher. I know I will.

Now, does anyone have any earplugs?

Oh, Fine

I’m into blogging again… yay!!

No Cool Story, Elasticwaistband Lady, and Bee Repartee, thanks for talking me down from the ledge. Y’all are awesome!